


The Moon-Vasion

by BalefireFlatlands



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-07
Updated: 2013-06-07
Packaged: 2019-09-19 20:52:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17008995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BalefireFlatlands/pseuds/BalefireFlatlands
Summary: Soldier is gonna be ready when those moon men attack.





	The Moon-Vasion

Merasmus walked down the hallway of his castle, pulling a hand over his face as he stepped over a plethora of racoons, nudging them to the side with his pink fuzzy slippers. It was far too early in the morning to be awake, but whatever Soldier was doing was loud and obnoxious and impossible to sleep through.

At any other time the wizard would have taken his spectral form and floated over the vermin infesting his castle, but this early in the morning when he wasn’t at his best was no time to meddle with magic, it took intense concentration, a clear mind, …. and coffee. He groped blindly in the kitchen, setting his empty coffee mug down several times in the place where the coffee maker should have been. “Hng?” Cracking one eye open he barely registered that the reason no coffee was appearing in the mug was because the coffee maker was missing. In fact everything off the counter was missing, including the microwave and pot holders.

“Soldier!” The offending roommate was currently in the front yard of the castle, digging a deep trench around the perimeter of the area while humming something patriotic to himself. Merasmus stormed out there with as much rage as he could possibly have in the early morning, which admittedly wasn’t much. “What did you do with the coffee maker?”

Soldier stood up straight, the top of his helmet just visible over the side of the trench. “I buried it near the tree in the back yard where the moon men can’t find it to use as supplies for their troops in the oncoming invasion.”

Merasmus just stood there. Without coffee he could barely even muster up the brainpower to speak, let alone try and decipher Soldier’s crazed ramblings. Without a word he turned and headed back into the castle, taking a few sips from his mug before remembering it was empty.

Fortunately so since the mug promptly rolled away from him as he was tackled to the ground, flattened against the stone floor of the foyer by his insane roommate, still wielding a shovel.

“Soldier. I’m going to count to zero…”

“Don’t move, you’re falling right into their trap! If I wasn’t here you’d be dead as a doornail!” From his spot sitting on Merasmus’ back he surveyed the situation, spotting moon men behind every piece of furniture. He chuckled to himself, he’d saved the wizard and it wasn’t even breakfast yet. He was the best roommate.

“Get off me.” He struggled to try and retrieve his coffee mug, slippered feet not gaining much purchase against the slick stone floor. Soldier sprang to his feet with enthusiasm that was frankly offensive at such an early hour. Pointing his shovel menacingly at a candelabra he continued his explanation from the front yard, “They’re planning their invasion any minute now! They’ve come to take our jobs and our freedom! Don’t you understand Merasmus? This is where it starts!” He grabbed ahold of Merasmus’ pajama shirt with both hands, dragging the taller wizard down eye level with him. Or what would have been eye level if he wasn’t wearing his helmet.

“Where what starts?” He had a feeling he was going to be sorry he asked.

“The invasion Brilbo Baskers! The invasion! See they’ve been plotting this for months, but I infiltrated their plans,” Yeah, he was already regretting the question. “See first they come down and pretend to be real people. In fact, they might already be here! What if we’re too late? Merasmus, we may be the last two people on earth!!”

Soldier probably expected some sort of reaction to that, either joining the fight against the oncoming moon war, or Merasmus telling him he was insane like he did every day. What he got was a simple question. “And they came to steal my coffee?”

“Of course!”

If Merasmus stared at Soldier in confusion any longer, his face was going to freeze like that. “I’m going back to bed.”

“They’ll be there too! Don’t you even have the backbone to try and survive?” He tapped his shovel against his helmet as he thought about it. Brightening up he sprinted down the hallway, grabbing the front of the wizards shirt and pulling him along. But instead of heading towards Merasmus’ room he made an about turn and all but threw the skinny magician into his own room. “There! You’ll be safe here. I moon-proofed the room.”

Merasmus looked around, having never been in, nor wanted to be in Soldier’s room. If he was honest he was a little surprised that the walls and windows weren’t covered in tin foil. “Moon-proofed.”

“Yes.”

Soldier looked so proud of himself, and Merasmus’ brain had started to shut down out of confusion and lack of coffee that he didn’t even protest.

“So rest up! We have a war to start tomorrow, and we’ll need our wits about us!” Slamming the door behind him Soldier headed back to his trench, putting the finishing touches on his underground tunnel by adding a sign stating that there was definitely not a secret entrance right there. He stood back to admire his work, laughing under his breath. Those moon men would never see it coming.


End file.
